How to cope with grief: The New Normal peer support group meetings help participants help each other through loss – now in Cantonese, too

In 2020, Jess Hulton was living and working in California when she heard that her father was terminally ill. She returned home to the UK as the Covid-19 pandemic was sweeping across the world.

The hospitals were stretched, and she and her mother cared for her father as his health deteriorated.

After her father died in June 2020, Hulton searched online for counselling support to help her cope with the grief of losing a loved one. She had found the experience of caring for him deeply isolating and upsetting.

However, she faced a challenge in finding affordable support. The public health system was overwhelmed, and private counselling was very expensive.

Jess Hulton had problems finding counselling support in the UK after her father died in 2020, until she came across The New Normal Charity. Photo: John McGrane Photography

“I found TNN on Instagram through a shared post by Ben May, the founder. I started attending their peer support groups and quickly realised that all I needed was for someone to say, ‘I was you, and even though you might not believe me, it will get better.’ That’s what peer support is for me – hope,” says Hulton.

TNN – The New Normal Charity – founded in the UK in 2018, provides free peer-group support to those who have experienced loss. The charity has expanded across the UK and beyond, and when Jess Hulton moved to Hong Kong for work, she brought it with her.

In January 2022, she launched the first peer-support grief meeting at The Hive in Wan Chai.

Initially, the group sessions were only in English, as Hulton was hosting them, but the intention was always to expand to offer Cantonese groups.

With a team of more than 30 volunteers, that is now possible.

“People genuinely have no idea where to go in Hong Kong. For some companies, it’s almost their brand to work people into the ground. People talk about having to go back to work four days after [someone close to them has died], sometimes in traumatic ways. There’s an expectation that you will snap out of it and be fine,” says Hulton.

The challenge of running peer-support sessions in Cantonese wasn’t so much in finding people to host the meetings – volunteers stepped forward to offer their time free of charge. It has been how to have those conversations.

Annissa Suen volunteers as a group facilitator at TNN meetings in Hong Kong. Photo: Annissa Suen

Annissa Suen, who has struggled with her mental health in the past and is now on the road to recovery, volunteers at TNN by facilitating groups.

“My native language is Cantonese, so it’s ironic that I feel more comfortable sharing my experiences in English. When it comes to Cantonese, I found it challenging to find the right words to express myself,” she says.

Hulton brought in Stephanie Ng, founder of Body Banter, a charity dedicated to helping young people have conversations about body image and mental health, to help empower the volunteer facilitators.

“When people are speaking in Cantonese, they will often switch into English to name a diagnosis such as anxiety or depression, and then switch back to Cantonese,” says Ng, who is completing her PhD in linguistics and psychology at the University of Hong Kong.

Cantonese speakers often switch to English to name a diagnosis or talk about mental health, says Stephanie Ng, who is finishing a PhD in linguistics and psychology. Photo: Stephanie Ng

“It’s not only because of the stigma around mental health, it’s quite possibly because people don’t have the conversational framework to say these words.”

She says the Cantonese-speaking facilitators shared that what made them uncomfortable about having conversations about mental health was that they sounded like the sort of things you’d say only in a clinical context.

“It’s not that these words don’t exist, they do. But it’s like wearing a suit to go to the park,” says Ng.

The facilitators were concerned about saying the wrong thing or having awkward silences in the group; she reassured them that it is OK and normal to have awkward pauses.

“You can actually call out these moments – ‘I’m noticing that it feels awkward right now. I’m noticing there is discomfort in the room’. You can name the conversational dynamics,” says Ng.

Chinese culture does not shy away from death; there are many rituals around death. But less attention is paid to the grieving process and there is a fear of burdening others with one’s feelings.

“One of the facilitators mentioned the Cantonese phrase which translates as, ‘Don’t worry, things will get better, follow the flow of time’.

“That phrase often makes the grieving person feel worse because they are thinking, ‘Right now I’m feeling all the feelings and it sucks. I can’t just let go, I wish I could have those feelings of grief validated,’” Ng says.

Her workshop gave Suen the confidence to lead peer-support groups. She now realises it’s not so much about using the right language as how she holds the space in a non-judgmental way.

“It’s about how you respond when someone shares their experience, and creating a safe space that allows people to be seen and heard,” says Suen.

“In peer support, when people who have similar experiences come together, it’s magical. You don’t feel like you are asking for help. It’s a community of people coming together who went through a challenging time and want to heal,” Suen says.

The New Normal Hong Kong has delivered more than 90 free support groups and community activities, reaching more than 600 people. That’s not bad for a small organisation run entirely by volunteers.

It has launched a crowdfunding campaign via Go Get Funding to help it expand and reach more people. The money raised will cover the legal fees involved in the start-up process and creating a website.

Walking alongside someone is what peer support is all about. It’s not about telling someone what to do … it’s more to do with sitting with someone, emotional empathy

Stephanie Ng, founder of Body Banter

“No one has been paid; everyone does this on their own time and energy. I’ve been blown away by how much people want to help in Hong Kong,” Hulton says.

In response to requests from people for support with grief related to losing people to suicide, addiction or in traumatic circumstances, TNN recently launched complicated grief sessions.

The next Good Grief peer support meeting for anyone who has experienced a loss will be on November 27 at 8pm at The Hive Wan Chai (19/F The Phoenix, 23 Luard Road).

The Cantonese-speaking peer support group’s next session will be on Tuesday November 28 at 7.30pm at The Hive Wan Chai.

From left: Cantonese peer support group hosts Katie, Bianca, Annissa and Desiree, Stephanie Ng of Body Banter, Jessica Hulton of TNN, and peer support group host Anna take part in a workshop on talking about grief in Cantonese. Photo: The New Normal Charity Hong Kong

“I love what Jess is doing. The groups are so needed in Hong Kong,” Ng says.

“Walking alongside someone is what peer support is all about. It’s not about telling someone what to do, which can make someone feel uncomfortable; it’s more to do with sitting with someone, emotional empathy.”

For more TNN events and to reserve a spot, visit The New Normal Hong Kong eventbrite page.

To support TNN fundraising efforts, to help train peer group facilitators and to build a website, donate here

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