For the winter holidays, I will let my children take small risks so they can grow and learn

The author. Courtesy of Laurel Harrish Photography

• My mother was never afraid to take risks, even if she failed, and I try to do this in my own life.
• As a child, I was pushed to try things; now I approach awkward situations with curiosity. 
• I plan to encourage my children to do the same in hopes it will make them more resilient.

Many of my favorite childhood memories of the winter holidays feature my mom, the smell of warm milk, and the sweetness of sugar from her gulab jamun.

My mom is heralded by all who know her as an outstanding cook, but she’s always willing to try new recipes, even if it means botching them in the process — which she does often. I jokingly call her the “Pakistani MacGyver.” To this day, she takes enormous pride in being willing to step into opportunities where stumbling and feeling awkward are likely.

My mom’s approach to taking risks shaped my parenting style

Awkwardness is a social emotion that loves to rear its — sometimes ugly — head, especially over the holidays. Picture this: Your husband and kids are home, and your mother-in-law and extended family are visiting. You’ve forgotten to make cookies because your to-do list was already long.

You quickly whip up a batch, only to realize once you taste them that you’ve forgotten sugar. When it dawns on you that you ruined the cookies, you may feel mortified and awkward. Not only do you not have cookies, but you now have to confess to your family that you messed up the recipe.

As I brace myself for the holiday season, I regularly remind myself of my mom’s approach to risk-taking and how she’s always embraced these experiences as learning opportunities. Since she set a great example for me, I want my kids to take this approach, too.

Technology and the pandemic’s effect on kid’s social skills

Many children have experienced social atrophy as a result of excessive technology use and the extended lockdowns. This could show up as them refusing to talk to a salesperson or fearing group situations.

In other words, their social muscles are not being exercised. To counter this, the same way we’d exercise at the gym, we can proactively seek out ways to strengthen these skills for our children.

Why we shouldn’t avoid awkward situations

Because the holidays offer our family more time with extended family, I’m taking this as an opportunity to encourage my kids to take uncomfortable social risks and lean into “good awkward.”

Good awkward means embracing uncomfortable situations. While eliminating awkward situations is impossible, “bad awkward” could be a situation like a kid refusing to go skiing because they’re worried they’ll look like a fool.

Feeling awkward is not a deficiency that needs to be fixed. Leaning into it is actually our greatest asset for personal growth.

To eliminate awkwardness implies we can eliminate uncertainty or predict how others will behave — but we can’t. It’s up to us to get better at handling those moments and even seek them out proactively so our social and mental muscles are strong enough to learn how to handle them, rather than avoid them.

A beginner’s mentality made me more resilient

Growing up as a first-generation American, my South Asian parents encouraged me to play four sports, join the marching band, and try jazz dance. I wasn’t stellar or even remotely good at them. But in these situations, which always involved other people watching me, I gained a beginner’s mentality.

Beginners are usually more willing to take risks and try things, especially when they’re outside their comfort zone. They also often embrace the awkwardness of new situations. Having this mentality throughout my life has encouraged me to approach awkward moments with a more pronounced sense of curiosity, rather than fear.

Encountering uncomfortable experiences helps kids grow

I plan to create opportunities for my kids to take minor social risks and push past worries of embarrassment, cringe, or awkwardness. While I may not send my children on unsupervised gift-shopping excursions, I will:

Encourage them to order their own meal at a restaurant, even if it means gently correcting the server when they’ve repeated it back incorrectly.

Allow them to build gifts or bake treats to give to friends, even if the results are imperfect.

Introduce experiences like ice skating, where falling down in front of others is likely.

I’ll also continue this year-round and encourage my kids to do things outside their comfort zones.

Processing and reframing emotions encourage confidence

When my kid tells me that there’s “no way” she can call the doctor herself because she “is way too awkward,” I will encourage her to reflect on this thought. Instead of viewing awkwardness as a state, “I feel awkward right now,” she is framing it as a trait, “I am too awkward,” which feels harder to work with. I will encourage her to name the emotion, classify it as a temporary state, and acknowledge the universality of this feeling.

Finally, I will encourage her to reframe her thinking so that her emotion is not dictating her actions. One reframing could be: “I may feel awkward right now, but I’m also having this conversation, and that’s a huge step for me and worth being proud of.”

Through these small moments, I know my kids will grow and build a sustainable level of confidence and resilience. Most of all, I hope they’ll embrace social discomfort as a chance for growth, just like my parents taught me.