My family guilts me into paying for trips because I make more than they do. How can I make them stop?

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• For Love & Money is a column from Business Insider answering your relationship and money questions.
• This week, a reader who makes more than their family keeps getting pressured to spend it on trips.
• Our columnist says it’s important to be proactive in looking for ways to affordably spend time together.
• Got a question for our columnist? Write to For Love & Money using this Google form.

Dear For Love & Money,

How do I tell family we can’t afford to participate in family trips and outings? This is especially complicated because we make more money than both sets of in-laws, but we manage our budget differently.

In the past, when we’ve tried to say no, we’ve been guilted into complying because they believe we can afford it. Our ideas of how to spend and save are very different. Help!

Sincerely,

Under Pressure

Dear Under Pressure,

As I’m sure you know, the answer is just to tell them. After all, “no” is a complete sentence. But I understand why it feels more complicated than drawing a simple boundary.

First of all, it’s family time, which holds its own weight of expectation. Participating in family time demonstrates that you’re dependable — your family can count on you, whether that’s showing up with a pot of chicken noodle soup after a scary diagnosis or going on the family’s annual ski trip.

Plus, being there says, “I love being with you.” This, of course, means the converse is also true. Not showing up to family celebrations sets the expectation that you won’t show up in times of crisis either — and maybe this is because you don’t love their company.

However, it’s clear you want to participate in these family get-togethers, but your budget is holding you back. But if all you tell your family is, “Sorry, we can’t come,” they’ll misinterpret your motives and likely have their feelings hurt.

Except if you tell them your reason for not showing up is that it’s not part of your financial plan, you’ll have a whole other type of pushback to deal with. Because they know you can afford it if you want to, so if you tell them you can’t afford it, they’ll assume it’s because you don’t want to.

You didn’t say why you can’t afford these family activities despite making more than your family, but you mention that you manage your budget “differently” and that your “ideas of how to spend and save are very different.” This leads me to believe you have different financial values than your family, which is not only fair but deserves the respect of your family and yourself.

Familial love and loyalty demand sacrifice because they involve multiple people with competing needs and expectations. While this is a beautiful, if challenging, dynamic, without limits, “familial love” becomes familial tyranny. One such limit must be your values. If you consistently sacrifice those values for your family’s desires, your father-in-law’s latest travel obsession or your mom’s recent scheme to show off her family will eclipse them completely.

Unreliable, unloving, and stingy — these are all the ways that you sticking to your financial values may be perceived by your family. So it’s not as simple as just saying no. And yet, for the sake of your budget, your marriage, and yourself, that’s exactly what you have to do. But to say “We can’t afford that” without receiving the blowback I’ve outlined here, you can try a couple of things.

First, communicate how much you love the spirit behind the event and that you’re disappointed at not being able to attend. Make sure everyone understands that despite your “no,” you appreciate the invitation. This is the most important message to get across. As people, we want to do what we want to do, and while having a necessary participant say no will likely frustrate the best of us, we tend to survive. But when a loved one says no and doesn’t seem sorry to miss the things we were excited to share with them, we’re hurt. So, make it clear that you would love to be there if it were financially feasible, but it isn’t this time.

Another great way to communicate this is to offer alternatives. For instance, you could say, “I’m sorry. We can’t afford the lake this 4th of July, but we’d love to have everyone over to our house. Our city puts on a great fireworks show, and we’ll fire up the grill.”

Even better, try to get ahead of these dilemmas by suggesting affordable options before the unaffordable options are announced. Often, people aren’t even that attached to the activities they suggest; they just want to do something with their loved ones, and their plan is all they came up with. Maybe mom doesn’t want to cook her birthday dinner, but she can hardly ask you to do it, so instead, she suggests a restaurant. I’m sure she’d love nothing better than for her child to offer to cook.

Still, if you tell your family that money is the issue, there’s a chance your family will challenge you on it. To avoid them dismissing your financial values as “stingy, ” resist the urge to explain your financial situation. You may feel compelled to justify why you make more than they do but still have less to spend, but getting lost in the weeds of saving goals and personal expenses will only invite interrogation, criticism, and unsolicited advice.

Your finances are none of their business, and their beliefs around what you can afford have no bearing. Make it clear your finances are a no-fly zone. When they push you for an excuse, tell them it’s not something you’re comfortable discussing. As awkward as saying this may feel, it’s a not-so-subtle reminder that telling someone else how to spend their money is as rude as it gets. And that’s a reminder it sounds like they need to hear.

Rooting for you,

For Love & Money

Looking for advice on how your savings, debt, or another financial challenge is affecting your relationships? Write to For Love & Money using this Google form.

Read the original article on Business Insider